had me at hello.
I always like carousels. They belong to the world of whimsical whatnots and I’m a sucker for it. I want to ride on one exquisite horse which I’d carefully handpick among the finest breed. And I want to have someone holding onto my hand while we go round and round. I have a new goal in life - to be an artist. Specifically, a painter. I want to paint on a huge canvas. I want to be good at it. I’ll dedicate a painting studio in my dream house and make sure I’ll oversee a beautiful scenery. I’m starting work next week. Gonna sign up for painting classes! I’m excited! Mimi’s such a darling. Our bond is stronger with each day and she reminds me of myself in the sense that she’s quite clingy. She loves being with me and always want to be around me. I’ll always make time for her and shower her with a lot of love. Ukulele class is on my list too. I miss Rudy, Bell and April. Will see them the whole of next week. ;)
Feeling super inspired right now though I’m still battling with fatigue. I’ve decided to cut out 90% of meat in my diet. Think I’ve been eating way too much thus the tiredness. I felt less tired when I made an effort to eat less meat last week. Read this IronMind post last night and it really hit me how connected your mind and body is. I remembered when I went yoga almost everyday for 2 weeks last June and I felt so alive. Every thought of mine at night was nothing but positive. I was practically brimming with confidence, positivity and… life. I’ve lost that because I stopped working out and every night is a torture. Dark thoughts invade my head, they taunt me endlessly till my body takes pity on me and puts me to sleep.
Hence, the notion ” When the body is strong, the mind thinks strong thoughts.” I’ve stopped yoga for so long, body becomes weak again and I’m constantly wallowing in negativity. I’m going to go for yoga everyday. My mind needs to be strong again for a beautiful future. This is the kindest act I can do for my body.
T and I went into this shophouse selling bathroom fixtures and I’m deeply attracted to the layout of the shophouses. T and I always wanted to stay in a shophouses. The layout is just too amazing. Nothing will stop us from living in a shophouses and I aim to stay in one in 3 years’ time. I would LOVE to stay in one and we will have if renovated in French style. French decor is my favourite. T lets me have the call. Love him to bits!
We will be living together in the shophouse with our cats. By then, I’m sure the house would be big enough to accommodate new kitties. I want to invite my family and friends over and be a good host. All these will happen. And it’ll happen with a strong body and mind. I need to get it worked out soon.
My mind is full of dreams but my body is weak. A weak body cannot handle strong and powerful thoughts. I need to train up my body.
” There is no better way to fight weakness with strength.” How apt. Gonna gain strength from tomorrow onwards even if it means I’m going out with a scarred face.
I don’t have a lot of friends, just a handful of them but am never close to any one of them. There’s this particular quality in me that resists being too involved with people. There’s only one person I let myself get close to and that’s Tim. I guess I am quite insecure. I need to know that I am truly accepted and loved for who I am in order to really be myself with them. With Tim, I am warm, generous, understanding, funny and quirky. But I am sarcastic, bitter, rude, unreasonable and cruel to him whenever I’m mad or in one of my moods. I don’t know who can truly accept me for who I am besides Tim. There’s always a need to be nice to people which is quite hypocritical. Then there’s the question why must I feel loved and accepted before I can be myself. Why do I care so much about what people think? I shouldn’t. People should learn how to manage their own self esteem and never inhibit anyone else. And there are people who are really not worth my attention. All in all, I think I am too free. That’s why I think so much. I need to fill up my life doing my things. Like studying, house work, yoga, dancing, painting, ukulele and soon, singing. This is good. I have everything going well so far. Except my studying. Gonna work on it after my stomach is taken care of. I should live by this mantra - Be better than yesterday. I stopped living by it.
I’m not an atheist and I choose to believe that God exists. I don’t have a problem with faith in the sense that I don’t need to see it to believe it. I grew up in an environment where it is instilled in me that there is God. I’m a Taoist and I don’t believe that there is only one God. I believe that God takes form in many and tonight I’m going to take a different leap of faith and see for myself if it’s justifiable that millions of people worship You. I don’t know what I’d do but I sincerely hope you do for me what you supposedly did for others.
T told me to not bother visiting C Republic for my solo Europe trip but how can I not after seeing this picture???
” It had taken years but Nat had forced herself to be witty, bright and assertive. When she had felt wretched and worthless she had gone for a walk or called a friend. When she had wondered what was the point of herself, she’d switched on her laptop and worked. It had been the only way to get through; being shy and reclusive seemed so damned indulgent and Nat wasn’t sure whether self- indulgence and low self-esteem genuinely sat comfortably together. Eventually, years of pretending to trust herself had paid off and Nat started to believe her own performance. She hadn’t felt desolate or dejected for a long time. She was now an entirely different woman to the one she had been.”
This is cute, isn’t it? Not what I’ll ink on myself though. Baby, it breaks my heart to hear how forlorn you sounded in the car just now. Believe me, everything will turn out great for you. I’m proud of you. I’m sorry for going apeshit on you today, PMS-ing. You’ll always have my support and I am your rainbow that is not going anywhere. I want to be in your arms till I leave this world and I want to live with you in this world full of adventures. You are my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, my teddy bear and my soon-to-be husband. I’ll always love you.
Sometimes I miss you so much I wonder why I do and I wonder if you really love me because if you do I wouldn’t be feeling and thinking like this all the time. I never thought one would get tired of missing. So I think starting from today, we don’t see each other often so I can get used to missing you this much till I stop. I can be quite callous, I know.
Had a whimsical night out with T yesterday. T knew I was feeling grumpy over IKEA’s change of meatballs and brought me to my next favourite - FIKA! IKEA is still the best but FIKA will do for now. T always knew how to cheer me up. We checked out this tattoo parlour which seems really promising. I’m going there next month for mine. Walked around Haji Lane which we used to haunt in the pre-ION days. We went Ukelele Movement! I’ve already picked out my first Ukelele! It has cats engraved on it! The girl was so nice to teach me a few chords but my fingers are so freaking awkward. T offered to teach me but I prefer to have a proper teacher because I know I’ll end up bullying T when I get frustrated. With T, I can be myself because I know he accepts my every flaw. This is why he gets away for calling me an irritant sometimes because I know I can be one. I know I’m blessed to find somebody who can accepts me for who I am AND loves me more than anything in the world. And for this, I will cherish and love him with every fibre of my being.
Blast my creativity. I can’t come up with any design of cats that can fight with this. I love how inspiring these birds look and of course, the cliche - ” It signifies freedom.” Then again, cliches are not overused for nothing. I believe everyone wants a slice of freedom, be it through various forms of expression like dancing, singing, riding, painting, travelling…etc. Free to be who you want to be, free to do what you want to do. I’m not a classic example of someone who does that but I’m working towards it. And with every step I take, my heart beats more resolutely, purposefully and my soul slowly eases into an unfamiliar realm of liberation.